Now, Back to Me:
a personal narrative essay by Chelsea Beller
“You like horror movies?”
I heard when I told a few old friends that I now review horror movies for a podcast and YouTube channel. To my newer friends and coworkers, not a shock at all. They know me as the goth chick who loves horror. The people in my life who knew me back when, not so much.
Why is that? As far as I’m aware, I’ve always loved scary movies. I’ve loved celebrating Halloween since I could crawl and eat chocolate. This shouldn’t be that big a shock, but the question struck me. How long have I loved horror movies? Albeit, I haven’t seen every horror out there - a lot of the classics I’m still catching up on. But still, I know deep down in my black heart it is true. The passion for the horror genre has always been there.
Well, an intriguing post popped up on my social media feed a while ago that has stayed with me. Someone said, the things you loved when you were 13 - you go back to in your 30s.
I thought about it. Hmm, when I was a pre-teen, I loved Halloween, all things spooky, the Sims, and writing. What I’ve been doing lately as a 32-year-old woman: watching horror movies, going all out for Halloween, playing the Sims, and writing. Interesting.
The question is still- why haven’t I seen a lot of horror movies if I love them so much? I remember watching Alien and Predator when I was probably too young with my mom on Sunday afternoons. I remember watching Scream and Halloween when the spooky holiday was approaching. I’ve seen some of the classics for sure, but still, there’s so much I haven’t seen. Well, the answer finally came.
I was sheltered and easily swayed by other people’s opinions.
Isn’t it always the case? The stigma, the fear of being unpopular, the judgmental words that ring in your ears for years after.
When I was a pre-teen, I longed for it to be Halloween all the time. Every Halloween I would put on a witch (or vampire) costume and hope and pray that I would finally become a witch just like Marnie in Halloweentown. I loved Halloween more than anyone I knew. I remember when I was 13, I begged for a Halloween slumber party. We went trick-or-treating and ate so much candy. That night, I begged my parents for us to watch a real scary movie. Not any of this Disney Channel stuff. My parents let us watch The Birds. Utterly terrifying but piqued my pre-teen interest.
Moving from my teens to my 20’s, I reflect now that I was very much in a “finding myself” era. For instance, I went from pursuing acting to hosting a dating podcast to stand up comedy. Definitely trying to find myself and figure out what I even enjoy doing. Unfortunately, a lot of my personality came from my boyfriends at the time, specifically my college boyfriend. I liked what he liked. And, he didn’t like horror movies. We lived together and we only had one TV. I watched a lot of Marvel back in those days.
My high school boyfriend even told me that people only watch horror movies because they don’t have anything exciting going on in their own lives. This was in response to my persistently asking if we could watch a horror movie, so perhaps he was just annoyed with me at the time. Still, those words echoed in my mind every time I had a hankering for horror- is your life that boring right now? Maybe you should do something else…
Ah, my 30s. Being in my 30s has been simultaneously irritating and liberating. I’m irritated with my physical limitations (if you’re over 30, you get it), but I’m also finding the freedom of,
“I don’t care what you think of me, I’m 32.”
It’s almost as if I needed to reach this decade of my life to realize there’s certain aspects of my personality that aren’t going to change. That whole “it’s a phase” thing parents told their kids back when. It’s not just a phase. I love Halloween and scary movies. Oh, and I like boys and girls. Thank you for the doubts.
I may have let the opinions of others get me down or stop me in my tracks in the past, but now, I don’t let it. Well, I do my best. I’m 32 but I’m still human after all. Nowadays, I do my best to fend off judgment. In my current relationship, my boyfriend and I support each other’s interests and hobbies wholeheartedly. We watch horror movies any time of day and no matter the season. It’s awfully nice when your interests are supported by your partner, isn’t it? Now that I’m older and I’ve realized how much I love horror movies, I have this rad YouTube Channel where I get to share that love of horror with the horror community. I get to be me and I don’t let anyone’s opinions or judgments eschew me from my passions.
